


Hope

by seke



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Ghosts, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 18:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11446494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seke/pseuds/seke
Summary: Takasugi is grieving and Bansai's ghost talks to him.





	Hope

**Author's Note:**

> This is a venting. Meaning it is probably not that IC. I tried, though. Or not. I don't know. I'm confused. I just want to take these words out of me.

It was black. Everything was black. Takasugi had his eye open, it was a sunny day, but he couldn’t see anything. Everything was so wrong and so suffocating, he felt like the world had given up on him, but he knew it wasn’t true, because _he_ had given up on the world.

He couldn’t do it anymore. The Kiheitai, what was its meaning? He thought that it was changing, that maybe they didn’t need to be villains anymore. And he was right. They didn’t need to be villains, because their enemy— the world —, was the biggest villain to exist and it wouldn’t get satisfied until it ruined everything for everyone. They weren’t needed anymore.

Matako was alive. That was good. Takasugi wanted her to be alive and to be happy. But not by his side — not anymore. He couldn’t stand looking at her and he felt guilty for it. It was too much painful to watch her and get memories of the ten years he spent with the Kiheitai. His second Kiheitai.

He lost the Kiheitai more than ten years ago. And then he lost it again. Was it a punishment? For all the people he and the Kiheitai’s members killed? _Then_ , he wondered, _they aren’t resting in peace_. Takechi and Bansai were probably in hell now.

 _Bansai_. He didn’t want to think about him. It hurt. But even with the pain, he couldn’t cease his thoughts about him. It was unfair. Why would Bansai leave him alone? Why would he abandon him? He _knew_ he was weak, didn’t he? So why did he trust him so much? _Why_?

Sometimes, he heard him, his voice echoing at the bottom of his mind.

“Shinsuke,” Bansai said, with the voice he always used to call him. Except he looked worried… Or angry. Was he scolding him?

“Shut up!” Takasugi demanded. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. His voice was hoarse, so he ended up whispering. “Didn’t you say you would live for me? Didn’t you _give_ your life to me? So why did you die? I don’t remember allowing it. I never gave you permission to die.”

The words he wanted to tell Bansai finally left his mouth. But he didn’t feel relieved, instead, he felt like it only hurt him more.

“Yes, Shinsuke,” Bansai said. “My goal from ten years ago and my current goal are the same. It did not change, not even a little, I daresay. I am still keeping my promise. I did it for you, so you could keep going, I daresay. You _have_ to keep going.”

Takasugi didn’t like hearing it. What did he mean, he _had_ to do it? Takasugi hadn’t and wouldn’t do anything. Bansai couldn’t tell him what to do, because he was dead. Didn’t he leave him alone? He shouldn’t talk.

“I don’t want to. You knew that wasn’t what I wanted, Bansai.”

Bansai nodded.

“It wasn’t what you wanted.” Bansai repeated. “But it was what I had to do, I daresay. And you, too, have things you still have to do, am I wrong?”

Takasugi ignored him. He didn’t want to acknowledge Bansai’s words. He didn’t want him to be right.

“My goal did not change either,” he said.

He saw Bansai looking at him.

“I wanted the world to be destroyed and it _is_ being destroyed. The world doesn’t need me. It will end on its own.”

“So you will just sit back and watch, without doing anything?” Bansai asked. He was really angry and Takasugi couldn’t care less.

“That’s right. Are you satisfied, Bansai?” Takasugi replied. He was tired. He didn’t want to deal with Bansai anymore. He didn’t want to deal with _anything_ anymore. “Why did you even come back? Just leave and never come here again.”

“I don’t remember falling in love with such a weak man, I daresay,” Bansai muttered.

The words hurt Takasugi. It hurt more than a punch in his stomach would. That the man he loved and who also loved him would speak cruel words like that.

“You are not the Takasugi Shinsuke I fell in love with. You are not the one I put my hopes on.”

Takasugi burst into tears. Yes, he wasn’t the same. Something broke inside him with Bansai’s death. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do anymore.

“Then tell me,” he asked, his words being interrupted by his nonstop sobs. He grabbed Bansai’s coat and kept holding onto it. “Tell me who I am, Bansai. I don’t know anymore. I can’t remember.”

Bansai wanted to touch Takasugi. He wanted to caress his hair. But he thought that he shouldn’t do it. It wasn’t appropriate.

“You are a beast,” Bansai said, keeping his voice neutral. “A foolish and sorrowful man. You are weak. And yet, you were the strongest of us all. You _are_ our hope. You were the person I love, the one that can make miracles come true. You are Takasugi Shinsuke, the leader of Kiheitai.”

“The Kiheitai is over, Bansai,” Takasugi said, trembling. Saying it was worse than _thinking_ about it. He did not expect that and the realization only made him cry louder. _The Kiheitai was over._

“It is _not_ over, Shinsuke!” Bansai shouted. “You are alive. And we, the Kiheitai, will follow you, even if we are dead. There are still people that need you, I daresay. If you want to destroy the world, then do it yourself. Don’t wait for a miracle. _Create_ it. If it’s you, then I’m sure it’s possible.”

Bansai was right, he couldn’t deny it. Reality was cruel, but he couldn’t stop now, could he? There were people waiting for him. The Kiheitai was waiting for him. _His_ Kiheitai.

He looked at Bansai with tears on his eye. Bansai felt pain, even if he was dead and didn't have a body anymore. It hurt, he couldn’t forget the feelings he had when he was alive. It was because of them that he died, after all. He didn't want to see Takasugi like that.

Bansai kissed his cheek. He licked Takasugi’s tears, who didn’t say anything. He wanted to feel Bansai’s warmth one last time.

They kissed. Bansai was going to disappear, he knew. And that time, he knew he wouldn’t come back. Takasugi wanted him to, but he couldn’t. He finally understood.

As soon as Bansai left for good, Takasugi stopped crying and wiped off his tears. He had things to do. There were people that needed him. The Kiheitai was waiting for him.

He got up. He hoped he wouldn’t have trouble in finding Matako.

**Author's Note:**

> Keep going, Takasugi and keep going, everyone that uses Takasugi to cope. Bansai believes in him and he believes in all of us.


End file.
